I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
