i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
