I wish I could punch you in the face.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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