She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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