And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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