All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
