when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
