Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
