I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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