shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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