I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
