Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
