The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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