At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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