So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
