with your own penis?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
