Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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