She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
