I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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