yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
