Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
