So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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