i just sent this text using only my big toe
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
