How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
