I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
