im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
bring money and cleavage
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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