I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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