The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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