I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize