My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
