Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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