The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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