she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
