you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Randomize
