And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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