Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
