zippers are such a cool invention
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
