yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
