I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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