So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
