Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
