If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
