then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
