She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
