You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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