you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
