dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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