Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
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