Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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