I faked an abortion last night.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I deserve this hangover.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
