Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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