Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
