It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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