I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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