I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I currently don't understand fingers.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
