smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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