dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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