I'm really into asian looking animals
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
