I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
