I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
